12.01.2009

(1.5) Years of Summer

it's hard for me to write..

i've just spent the last hour and a half watching the most beautiful movie, (500) Days of Summer. this is my favorite movie. i wish i could watch it in slow motion because its so amazing. not only is it fabulous because joseph gordon-levitt (playing tom) is lickable, but it's the fact that it just gets me thinking. it starts making me connect the dots of love in my life. it shows me the confidence that zooey deschanel (playing summer) emits in every minute of this movie.

she's not hot. she's not sexy. she is straight up beautiful. she is most definitely not perfect. she's weird. tom says that she has crooked teeth, knobby knees, and a birthmark shaped like a cockroach on her neck. but he loves every single one of those things. like i always say: imperfections are perfection. summer doesnt doubt herself. summer doesn't take a double glance every time she passes a mirror to check if anything is wrong with her face. summer doesn't try to change her smile so that her gums dont show because she thinks that looks ugly. summer doesn't second guess the way she dresses or the way she talks to people because what you see is what you get. where am i getting these examples from, you ask? i guess it's a little personal tehe.

but you know what sucks about summer? she breaks tom's heart. she rips it into a million pieces. and when she's done ripping it to shreds, she takes a shit on it by marrying someone else, when she specifically tells tom that she doesn't believe in love. summer didn't mean to be brutal. it just 'happened'. what happened exactly? can you tell me, summer? yes, i can relate to her, but i dont want to. sure, i can understand her, but im embarassed to. fundamentally i think she's right. tom says that he wants something with her, in a way that when they wake up in the morning, they wont change their minds about each other. she says thats impossible because that could never happen. she's right, right? marriages fall apart suddenly, relationships fall apart suddenly because you just arent feeling them anymore, it's not the same anymore. it hurts, take tom for example. all i want to do is scratch summer's eyes out and comfort tom. thats what everyone wants to do. especially when she gets married. i just want to kill her. i cried.

but then, tom meets 'autumn'. you'll meet your 'autumn', babe.

11.10.2009

The Kardashian Syndrome

so i was watching "Keeping Up with the Kardashians: The Wedding" for like.. TWO HOURS and the only thing i got out of that was pity for them. i dont know how she can do something as impulsive as marrying someone you met 2 WEEKS ago. 'you know when you know' is so bullshit. you dont even know the other person yet! idk, maybe im just traditional but it got me thinking about something else.

whats it with women these days obsessed with getting married, like 'put a ring on it', or to be in the relationship. whats this obsession with finding true love all the time? if you get it thats great, but why do people try to excavate it out of places where its not there? especially kids our age. you seriously have your entire life to find it, calm down. it's called the petrarchan lover: an individual who is in love with the idea of being in love. youre just setting yourself up for failure. i think everything works out for a reason, and in the end, everything will fall into place. 'where mah ring at??' 'put a ring on it' why? i swear i dont think ill get married until im 27-28 or maybe later. if not, ill eat my words. thats not a big deal.

i hope everything works out for khloe kardashian odom and i hope that she'll be a lucky lakers charm. but its not going to come through.. the wedding wasn't even legal. theyre still battling over the pre-nup. hahahah. oh well too bad!

11.05.2009

The Morning After Dark

i have this fear, you see.

yes, i was in love. yes, i'll never forget that and ill never regret it. it changed my life for the better. and so many people ask me 'why' so many times and i wont give you an answer, because 1. you wouldnt understand and 2. youre not on my side in the first place.

you know what rihanna said in an interview with good morning america today? "F LOVE, its blind". i probably will laugh at that in a while, but i believe her right now.

i was watching ugly betty today, i started tearing. when molly tells daniel thats she gonna die and daniel stays there with her, no matter what. theres this scared part of me that is totally lame that thinks ill never get married, that im not a good person, and ill never find him. its out there. maybe he's the same person, someone thats right in front of me, or someone i dont even know. i just dont want to find out now.

my biggest pet peeve throughout this entire process is the fact that people judge me. i hate being told that what im doing is 'wrong'. what exactly am i doing? and why do i fucking care what you think? lol my friend told me yesterday, you live your life for you. i just might be a little paranoid, but, like my mom says, save the drama for your mama, and my little added bonus a nice little 'f you'.

so, on the eve of my birthday, i would like to profess that i am happy. sue me bitch. there are a few people in my life that have made it so much easier on me and have let me be myself through everything. i want to thank them, but they know who they are. so, thanks because i kinda don't know where id be without you people. xoxo

10.28.2009

Melrose Place Meets Gossip Girl

hey baby blog,
i've neglected you for a while.

im feeling a lot and nothing at the same time. but if i told you exactly how i felt, you would hate me.

but i feel like i can't be myself these days, like i have to be perfect for this upper force that doesn't exist. im not trying to impress anyone. i havent for years. then why all of a sudden now? do people look at me differently? and why should i care? i should sign that 'seventeen body peace challenge'. haha. i remember being really insecure about myself and then i got to this happy place for a couple years. but now, i can't help but identify with that little girl =/

i'm generally a mellow person and i just go with the flow, but maybe cuz right now, people are watching to see wsup with me and how im doing, so i gotta be cool.
i want to be myself again. if people dont like that fuck them straight up. cuz im just gonna do me. because thats what makes me beautiful (=

6.08.2009

Passion Lemonade


Being 16, a high school senior, and a hormonal adolescent, its a given that i have a pretty blurry idea of what i want to be when i grow up. no i dont want to be a ballerina, a firefighter, or a movie star (however glamorous that would be..)

ive tried hard in high school to end up in a college that i, and when i say 'i' i mean my parents, can be proud of. im not gonna say im stupid and im not gonna say im a straight up genius (and im actually thankful, because those people die early and/or commit suicide more often. sorry adeel)

so when i think that i want to be a public relations manager in the future i, and when i say 'i' i mean my parents, believe that im cheating myself of my potential to be something better. but the thing is, thats really what i want to do. its not just the glamour, parties, posh-ness, the FABULOUSITY... i just love people! i love organizing events, meeting people, talking, making connections, getting things done.. whatever. i was totally meant for this job! its not just lauren conrad and whitney port that get to do this shit. its for me too! dont get me wrong, i've gone through at least 15 different career obsessions so dont expect this one to stick either. but still, i need some decisions under my belt!

but then again, my parents decide everything for me. whether it comes to what im wearing today, what im eating, what im saying, i predict that they'll have a significant impact, and when i say 'impact' i mean dominance/absolutecontrol, my entire life. they will totally decide my college, my major, my job, my house, my address (because my mom says that she wont visit me if the street name is unappealing to her), most likely my husband, and probably acceptable embryos from my uterus (mostly because my mother says that she wont babysit my children if they're ugly. so i guess her best bet would be to choose them herself as to prevent any unwanted surprises/disappointments, right?)

i was talking to my doctor the other day and i asked him, 'why do i feel so trapped and torn at the same time? like i need to be independent and not leave my house simultaneously?? and i want to make my own decisions but i dont want to think about it later." to this he replies 'because, presumably, you are trapped and torn at the same time and you do need to be independent and not leave the house simultaneously and you need to make decisions and you shouldnt think about it later, but all mentally of course.' um why does my mom have to pay a $20 co-pay to this guy to regurgitate the same information, but in better SAT vernacular, that has been swimming in my head for months??

until next time bitchez

6.03.2009

Sunken Eyes and Clenched Fists

well kids, junior year is over. psychotic teachers, all nighters, non-homework binges, lack of a life, etc. and im so gl-

wait. hold up. this is so cliché. if i were you, i would be like 'barf, what is this bullshit. stating the obvious much?' so yea, lets be real shall we?
as an honest review of junior year, i think if you had the right mindset, you really succeeded. i regret that i fucked up sophomore year because i remember i didnt give a fuck about school at all (and now its coming back to haunt me.. shit). this year i kicked ass, and im really proud of myself. i dont mean to be concieted but im happy i did what i could this year, and i offically give myself a pat on the back!

im blessed to have a wonderful boyfriend that supported me all year, through the ups and downs of me, and im absolutely devastated that he's leaving, but he's all grown up! haha. i dont know how i could have done it without you babe, love you.

while school, grades, and teachers were some kids main problems and issues during the year, mine were a little different. first semester was really chilled out, no drama mama, very focused. second semester was like hell and it came so suddenly and everything just hit me in the face! friends came and went, grades went up and down, and my relationship with my family just took a nosedive (and unfortunately that has not and will never recover to its former happiness).

its hard to balance those things because those are the most important things to me. but im not gonna lie and say that it didnt affect me. currently, im numb to everything. nothing truely shakes me and i have no strong opinions whatsoever. im scared that if i feel again, im just setting myself up to get shot down again.

thats all i want to express at the moment. im looking forward to the summer and lets see how it goes. im trying to not ride too many high expectations on it, but i want a summer to remember. so can you help me make my memories?

ps. hi sneha! thanks for reminding me that my blog still exists! (:

4.20.2009

Quagmires

fuck im in pain. i just repeirced my ear last night. who knew it would close by taking it out for like 5 hours?? im workin on another hole by myself, but i wont say where; it'll be my little surprise ;)

annnyways its hot and uncomfortable, but now its time to break out the shorts and the razor! hehe jk!

nothin really much going on. APs are coming up so fuck me. but other than that, my grades are good and almost straight A's! im working my ass off, so it better pay off. my dad is like "even if it doesnt pay off, you can atleast feel good that you worked hard (: (: (: (: (: " im like -__- uhh fuck that, ucla better be sayin wsup. hehe i wish!

annnyways i miss kev today, but im glad we had lunch together with some friends (: but im grounded this week with my sister and alll because we were being nice bitchez to our parents haha whoops. but i guess that gives us a chance to start on that youtube channel she's been planning, surrrre.

i gots 100 apes multiple choice questions to answer, so as patricia says, toodles!

oh and ps. happy 420 fuckin stonerz ;)

4.16.2009

Reciprocation

eh eh what can i say? cant read my poker face, so just dance, embrace the paparazzi and forget this lovegame.
i just made an entire sentence of lady gaga songs. im so obsessed! almost as much a perezH. plz get me a ticket. i want to play the piano just like her, banging my foot on the keys and everything! and if i could ever get my hands on that transparent piano with the bubbles in it, ill die!

annnyways, i guess i should explain why my blogs are so explosive all the time hahah. while they are entertaining for dramz, i only write blogs when im emotionally distraught, so i guess it comes out seriously unstable.. sorry! hahah

im listening to miley cyrus at the moment, "the climb". dont X out this window in anger, let me explain myself haha. um this is the only MC song i own, promise! (: sorry vivi

in recent events, ive learned that im a pretty shitty friend effort-wise hahah. like honestly in my day to day, idgaf about absolutely everything. especially when it comes to making an effort for friends. i know, its horrible, but im so lazy! =/ im working on it.. i just want to point out that some people will accept you even if youre lazy as fuck and dgaf. gotttta learn to care sonnn

quite a few things have happened in the past month! i got my license, (not that that means anything guys.. no car) i had my one year anniversary with my boyfriend, keval, on april 5th, and ive reconnected with two good friends. now on my to do list, gotta reconnect with two of my other friends, pattie and tiffi! i hate being busy all the time forreals. cant wait for summer
peas and thanks for reading!

3.26.2009

My Own Two Faced Harvey

you always want to think that people are being forreal with you, that all the lying and bitching and backstabbing doesnt happen in our superficial adolescence. this shitz real! when it happens to you, when are you gonna stop rolling your eyes and really listen..?

just as a general note, if you forget the people that were beside you through your darkest times, you'll end up with nothing. people look around, and then they realize what they had been fighting for, and honestly, the shitz not worth it. but by that time, its too late; no one wants you back.

im not gonna be this perfect angel and say that i dont talk shit. who doesn't? and who cares? but i really do care when i lose a friend, especially if i thought i knew that person. people change. people change because of other people and for other people. you keep telling yourself that you are the same person you were five minutes ago, but youre so far from that! i liked that 5min ago person.. but then, when im bitching to myself, i realize that maybe this is the person that was really inside. that when they "changed", they became more of themselves. and for that, im glad. i didnt want to know the real you anyways. that 5min after person isnt worth my damn time.

2.11.2009

5 Fronts

i've had quite enough for one day. im amazingly tired and here i am, blogging. no not dramz. the last thing i care about is drama. more important stuff. more legit dilemmas. stuff that you can sit up all night thinking about. (but impossible for me cuz im such a heavy sleeper haha) sometimes i have to rememeber that who ever is reading this, is probably not even close to how im feeling at the moment, so i'd better keep that in perspective. haha but anyways, when so many things are on your mind, you dont even know which one is important anymore. its difficult not to let that hot water boil into another problem and make it worse. im always thinking of this analogy: its like falling plates, and you wanna catch all of them so they dont fall and explode and shatter, but its like everytime you try and catch one, it slips, and all the other ones fall as well. like crash^3. compartmentalization. putting irrelavant issues away for a little while, while you deal with the things at hand. grrrreat, now someone just has to teach me. on a happier note (for once..), valentines day is coming up this saturday! (: finally, my bad valentines day curse has come to an end, unless something terrible happens from today to saturday =/ and its due time for a kbaby rant: my boyfriend is the best. he's amazing, he makes me smile, he's cheesy, he's super cutes, he's intelligent, he's compassionate, he's sexy. he's better than yours. he loves unconditionally and overabundantly and at times i feel like i dont deserve someone who spoils me like a princess. hes perfect for me, so im allowed to be possesive and amazingly concieted haha ;) but yea, im totally excited for this saturday, for some much needed lovin time. i hope you have a nice valentines day and get to spend it with someone that you care about, because i sure am!